Guilt seems to go hand-in-hand with being a parent and many of us feel it at some point in our lives.  But what does it really mean.  The Oxford dictionary states that: Guilt is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong”.  That, in order to feel guilty, we need to believe that what we are doing in any given situation, is in fact, wrong.  But is it that simple?

In order to understand the true reason behind our own guilt, we must first look at our own beliefs.  We all carry with us beliefs about what being a parent entails and how our children should act.  Most of these beliefs are unconscious and have come from our own parents and upbringing and in fact, play a major role in how we raise our children.

At any point in time, we are always acting in accordance with what we believe.  Our interpretation of any situation has come from beliefs adopted by us from past experiences.  Repeat anything often enough, eventually it becomes true.  This is the heart of a belief.  Your interpretation does not have to have any basis in fact, you just have to believe it does.  Therefore, what guilt is really telling us is that we have gone against one or more of our core beliefs.

When talking to parents and especially mothers, one of the major factors of guilt comes from mums working and not spending enough time at home with their kids.

For those working mums to feel guilty, first they must believe (and this is a belief that society itself perpetuates) that staying at home with their child is the most appropriate and beneficial thing that can be done.  Perhaps your own mother stayed at home and you were raised with the belief that this was what a mother was supposed to do when she had a child and now, due to financial pressure, or simply from your own desire to work, you are going against that belief.

Another example is when your child is upset over not getting an item that they really want, perhaps all of their friends have it or it’s the latest and greatest toy and they have had huge expectations about receiving it.  Do you give in?

Whether you do or not, there is probably some level of guilt involved.  Why?  Because one of your underlying beliefs may be that a parent is supposed to ensure that their child is “happy”, that it is your job to make sure that there is as little or no pain involved in growing up.  Maybe you had very little as a child and you grew up telling yourself that you would give your child everything they wanted or needed.  Is it because you are trying to be their friend or feel that they won’t love you.  Or maybe it’s as simple as “I can afford it, why not?”  Perhaps you buy the toy then feel guilty because you know that you are not doing the right thing.

Whether we are consciously telling ourselves any of the above or not, unconsciously we feel it and this is the underlying core of our guilt.

So how do we change it?

In order to stop feeling guilty, we need to change our belief, change our behaviour or change the situation.  Most times, changing the situation is not possible and probably not advisable.  Giving in to the child when they want something is not always practical and does not teach them about the reality of life.  They may grow up believing that they can have anything they want and when life doesn’t give it to them, they can struggle with disappointment and end up with a feeling of worthlessness that life isn’t going according to plan.

Society supports the idea of a ‘happy’ child, that we ourselves are ‘good’ parents if our children are well mannered, polite and happy.  We need to understand ourselves and the reasons behind the guilt if we are to change the emotion.
To change our belief, we must first try to understand where the guilt is coming from – what are we truly believing about the situation.  And then ask ourselves, is it an accurate account of reality?

Remember: nothing in life has any meaning but the meaning we give it.

Your child is not missing out on anything, whether it is that special toy, spending time with you, being with their friends or having the latest and greatest gadget.  Gain an understanding of your own values, what is most important to you and think about what values you want your child to have.  What do you want to teach your child about life?  Is it that they can have it all their way or do you want them to gain an appreciation of the ups and downs of life and how to deal with them?

Look at the reality of the situation and what your priority is.  If you have an underlying belief that mothers should stay home with their children but you have to work for financial reasons, then accept that your priority is to provide a comfortable lifestyle for your family.  Change your belief from ‘mothers should stay home with their children’ to ‘a parent provides emotional, financial and spiritual support for their child in the best way they know how’.

If you feel guilty for not buying that special toy for your child, or you buy it then beat yourself up about it, ask yourself why. 

Whatever the reason, there are beliefs and priorities underlying every decision we make.  Some may be more important than others and guilt is simply an emotion that is telling us that something needs to change.

Leanne Stavrou is a specialist Parenting Coach and Trainer in private practice in Brisbane.