Learning that their parents are separating is one of the most scary things a child of any age has to face. How and what you tell your children can significantly impact how they cope with the changes to the family structure. For the sake of your children you should put aside your anger, hurt and pain to discuss with your ex the details of what you should tell them.

By spending the time to tell your children what is happening and being open to their questions you're able to give them the reassurance and support that they will need.

Children no matter what age need to know that they're loved, that they will still be cared for and that as much as possible their life will remain the same. If it's too difficult to speak with each other about what and how to tell your children consider using a counsellor, mediator or close friend to help.

Here are some suggestions of what you should include in this difficult conversation:

1. It's not their fault
   It's common for children to blame themselves for the breakdown of their parent’s relationship. Reassure them that the separation has nothing to do with them or anything they have done. You may need to remind them of this on a regular basis.
   
   
2. They can't change what's happening 
   Many children believe that they have done something that may have caused the separation or that they can bring you back together. It's natural for children to fantasize that their family will reunite. Be patient and supportive. Reiterate that you love them, but there is nothing they can do to 'fix' the family.
   
   
3. You don't love each other anymore
   It may help to explain to your children that you used to love each other very much but no longer make each other happy. If you're comfortable doing so share with them the things you have done to try and make things work. Clearly explain that although the relationship between the two of you is over, the parental relationship will never end.
   
   
4. It's ok to love both mum and dad
   Let your children know that they don't have to choose one parent over the other. Reassure them that a parent's love for a child is different than that between husband and wife and the love you have for them as your children will last forever.
   
   
5. Both mum and dad will continue to be part of your life
   Let children know what the parenting schedule will be and how they can reach each parent. Reassure them that they can contact either parent whenever they feel the need to talk to them. If one parent chooses not to maintain involvement it's best to be honest about this. As hard and hurtful as this will be for your child they will be better off knowing the truth.
   
   
6. Inform them of how life will change
   Explain to your children where they will live and with whom, where the other parent will live, when they will get to see each parent, how they can keep in contact with both parents, what's going to happen with school, sports and any other activities that they're involved in.
   
   Comfort your children by explaining that you're going to try and make things stay as normal as possible and things will be more stable and predictable soon. To help your children process what's happening give concrete examples like Dad will take you to soccer on Saturday mornings and mum will still pick you up from preschool.
   
   
7. Questions are welcome
   Your children may have many questions about what is happening. Try to answer them as honestly and simply as possible. If you don't know the answer, tell them that. Some children may have nothing to say, give them time to process what is happening and be open to questions at any time.